I have been falling short on subjects to blog on recently, but as an avid blogger ,blog I must,blog I will,and in my search for inspiration ,I made a journey closer home. I decided to write on India. But writing an article on a land as diverse as India presents in itself it own fair share of problems ,the first of the many being it’s a democracy .Yes ,it does give us the right to express our own opinion but so does it give others ,some ,who are not as peaceful when it comes to voicing theirs objections .And so , I,having neither the desire ,nor the inclination to see my puppets being used as a source of alternative fuel by the insolently baneful extremists of our country ,decided to resort to every sort of cliché there exists in the book (not Mahabharat ,that’s not a documentation of history of India ,though it does have its fair share of cliches).
1. Must have land.
2. Must fight over that land.
3.Nothing can be built over that land ,unless something already has been ,in which case ,it has to be razed to the ground , dictated by directions from ancient Mythological texts.
4.You can leave a piece of arid land unused for ages , but cannot possibly have factories sprouting up on it.
5.We have to quote Tagore regarding the exploitation of the rightful owners of the land (dui bigh jami).
6. finally ,the great Indian rivalry , my land is bigger than your land.(land is an English word and not Hindi ,its Hindi translation would amount to ‘zameen’.) .
7.On days of strike (which is everyday),when theres nothing much to be done in the way of work ,play cricket on that land.
By now ,if you are sick of my mindless rambling on land ,and don’t want anything to do with it,be considerate to give it to one Mr Ratan Tata ,he is in dire need of non-cultivable land .However ,if your land is nowhere close to being as arid as the cold desert , and in its long history ,has nurtured even a single flailing cactus sapling ,it would be worldly unwise to use such land for industrial purposes .Of course , you can first give the land away , and then go on hunger strike to have it back , for you have been robbed of your food by the bloody capitalist society (cause of course , thorny shrubs and cactus is what you live on).
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When I had first expressed my desire to write a post on India, a friend adviced me to sprinkle my writing with a fair dose of Mahabharata , Ramayana , G.D.P , Mahatma Gandhi, G.D.P ,Pakistani terrosts ,British Imperialism and brutality (and how Mohun Bagan defeated them in a football match once) , G.D.P , Tagore ,Pakistani terrorists,Chinese infiltrators,Bangladeshi immigrants, G.D.P , Tansen ,Bollywood and the Gandhi family (don’t even dare to leave the last one out ,that would be sacrilege).Also mine characters might include naked sadhus , normal sadhus , modern sadhus , saffron sadhus , mainly sadhus. Ofcourse , one is free to make that passing mention of the stupid Sardar ,the nerdy suthie,the pretentiously intellectual Bengali (and he must love the rasugulla),the rowdy Delhiite , the uncouth Bihari,the artsy and Racist Marathi ,the gluttonously greedy Marwari , the avariciously parsimonious Gujrati. I was warned not to get bogged down with precise descriptions. India is big: 28 states, 150 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read my post.
He went on to add
‘Also remember , when you are writing about India ,you are not so much writing as promoting a brand .You are the custodian of that brand ,brand India , and its beneficiary. You should be aware what that brand stands for . India is a mythological land , infact people in the west ,atleast a fair population of them (well ,they are always fair ) ,hardly believe in its existence ,Pakistan is where the world ends ,and then comes Japan .You have to cater to that belief ,make it look as implausible as the Middle Earth of Tolkien . They don’t want to know about Ratan Tata ,they don’t want to read about the Ambanis .Brand India is almost like a neorealism movie ,just that its more mythological ,so what you need to depict are characters like Gollum from LOTR ,searching for bicycles a la Bicycle Thieves . They don’t want to hear about an affluent and growing middle class ,nor could they care less about IITs , so remember ,Indian population is a vastly destitute , impoverished ,poverty-stricken illiterate society .
Also do remember ,as Gautam Buddha was born in Nepal , and went on to enjoy a rockstar like status in his day and age ,Nepal is a part of India .Also , the Harappa-Mohenjodaro ,inspite of being well outside the realms of Indian jurisdiction and administration ,is more a part of India than it is of Pakistan , for Pakistanis are almost like Indians ,unless they are religious extremists and terrorists ,or like Afgans (which is almost all of them ) and so ,we have equel rights to their land (fair though ,if they can claim Kashmir to be theirs ) . However , Srilanka is not a part of India , as Ravana was born there , and pugnacious multi-headed kidnappers are not born in India . Also , remember ,India does not have a huge population , Indians are neither irresponsible , ignorant or horny .What it has is a huge ,undiminishing ,infact steeply growing manpower . Anyway, the point is that people from all over the world have come to know and love brand India for its ability to starve the shit out of its population. Whatever you write, please respect this legacy. Bear in mind that India is a market-leader. Most populated place on the face of this planet.
Also remember ,first thing we do in the morning when we wake up is not rush for the bathroom door , we do Yoga.When faced with the prospect of certain death by being mowed down by a rushing train heading headlong in our direction ,we don't run to save our damned lives , we do yoga . Actually ,apart from staying poor and going hungry ,the only other thing Indians are good at is Yoga.’
So armed with his advice , and my key board , I embarked upon writing my first detailed account of India.
So stay tuned in for my next post, The Great Indian History. Until then,goodbye.
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