Dim Wits And Dumb Quotes

I have never really understood the deal with English . Of course , it is a very British language , and as the new version of M S Word would vouch , even more American . But then , every language has its origin, it always takes a monkey to make a chatter , though I would much prefer them silent , and a lot less irritating , its nothing to be unduly proud of . Just because the English managed to land up on the shore of some dozen nations , uninvited and unannounced , and seasick , doesn’t give them the right to proclaim their language as being something ‘magically enchanting and enigmatic , and so majestically superior to any tongue ever spoken ‘. There's nothing more special about English than Zulu , or the hundred thousand native languages spoken all around the world . If you have your word’s worth , I have my word’s worth. What makes you assume I don’t ? In fact , the language is littered with such inanely stupid dialogues and monologues , that they almost incite us to be perfectly horrid and mean to them . Take these for example :

1. Et Tu Brute : Now , you don’t go through an entire play , speaking fluent Shakespearean English ( or was it Victorian ),taken right out of the Oxford dictionary , and just when you reach the climax ,the part every one had been waiting for, for all they ever wanted to see was irascible narcissists like you get murdered , you blabber out some ‘Latin mumbo jumbo’ , leaving the audience confused as to what really is happening , and where the second Brutus possibly arrived from . Sure as hell, there was one on stage , but there was no doubting Caeser’s superior knowledge as to the number of Brutuses actually present .It is , after all ,your play , your murder , and certainly, you have the final say in how many Brutuses you want to be murdered by .

And what’s with the meek apologetic tone . You were set to become the ruler of the Roman empire , and you have just been betrayed by your closest friend , and then murdered , and the audience expect something fiery from you, full of angst and fury , like ‘Vengeance shall be mine ‘ or ‘see you in hell ‘ , and all that you can manage is a sorry little ‘you too Brutus’ ! Have a sense of occasion, will you .Its as if you were more intent on counting your murderers
‘ok , so there’s you , Cassius , and you, Casca, wasn’t really expecting you, and you too , Brutus ‘.

2. To be or not to be : The mother of all letdowns .The stage was set, people had been murdered , and as was the norm those days , had duly transformed into blabbering ghosts . And of-course , like all ghosts who had died of poison poured down their ears , they wanted retribution , and , and had started popping up in the

dreams of our Prince Charming , dressed as his father ,revealing a diabolically strange and damnable, tangled web of intrigue so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous and so utterly confusing that it coerced our young prince, against all his common sense ,and its lack, there of , to believe that it , in reality , was his uncle who was guilty of his Father’s murder .Now , what more evidence do you want ,videotapes, and your uncles candid confession on a camera. There was a whole bleeding ghost , and there was your uncle , on his knees , praying to God , all testimony of his sin . Sure , innocent men don’t pray . Now it was time for action, time for you to walk in there , grab him by the head , and avenge your father’s death ,and maybe , just to entertain the audience, spice up the act by throwing in a dialogue or two. Something like ‘ Even with the blood that flowed from thee , Father, thou art avenged ‘, or maybe , if you want it to be a little less dramatic, and more American, something like ‘ die, bastard , die ‘.

But you decided the moment was not right , the signals were not appropriate . What signals did you possibly want ? Did you expect your uncle to hold aloft a ‘kill me coward’ placard over his head , r throw a grand party in celebration of your father’s death ? Rather , you decided that this would be more of an appropriate time to start philosophizing . And then you deliver the mother of all monologues , ‘to be or not to be’ (sure , there was a whole lot more gibberish before it, and a whole lot more that followed , but this really was the crux ) , and some how , this was supposed to be a question . Well , may be , you were too busy procrastinating the day they taught ‘how to frame a question ‘ in school. Well , lets take a look at some well framed questions , so that you may learn by example .

A . Is Hamlet the ultimate authority on Father issues? Discuss.

B. Have you noticed that in Shakespeare's plays, when a character claims to have seen a ghost,

he usually has? Were people more reliable in these days? Were ghosts?

C . Compare and contrast the character of Hamlet to common-day emo kids.

D. Would this play have been better if Hamlet and Ophelia had slept together?

E . Did Hamlet really cleft his mom's heart in twain? Do you understand what the hell that even means? What would Mark Twain think of this?

F . How the hell does one cleft another's heart in twain? Could it involve scissors?

G .Why is suicide the correct route for Hamlet?

H . Why do poison-in-the-ear murders produce ghosts every time?

I . Did William Shakespeare mean to completely rip off the plot from The Lion King or did it just happen by accident? Justify your answer.

That’s it for now guys , hope to be back with some more soon .

Baba and his 'Bhookha' designs

It was therefore Baba ‘s pleasure and intention , that he should starve . Not that the desire to starve had suddenly descended upon him , or that he felt he would leave the granaries any bit fuller or wholesome , with a fraction more of food per million inhabitants . The compelling motive for his sudden upsurge of desire to follow in the steps of the fifty million more’ bhookha nanga people ‘ and starve his own mortal self to death , was fuelled by one Mr Anna , a south Indian professional ‘starver’ , who had given up his right to idly , had gone without it for a week , and had talked of nothing else for three more . What irked him even more was the media , who had been eloquently effervescent , and maybe, a bit too willing ,in awarding him the title of Modern Gandhi , which was rather ironical , for it was a long line of Gandhis that he was fighting against , but then again , that could be attributed to the Gandhis suffering from multiple personality disorders . Off – course , he had not met a single person in his long life , who complained of having ever suffered from a syndrome that bore even an iota of similarity to multiple personality disorder , but what with the Hindu Gods effortlessly metamorphosing into Robin blue avatars , the syndrome seemed more real than possible . But that was the least of his problems. Gandhi fighting Gandhi , he could accept , what his mind could not possibly make peace with was his rightful crown , now sitting pretty on somebody else’s head .

There was no doubting the legitimacy and irrefutability of Baba’s claim to the title of Modern Gandhi. The man’s CV was nothing short of staggering . He could perform stunts that no mortal had possibly ever dreamt of . For one , he could perform the exotic moves of Arabian Belly dance , all the while , pinned to his Asana , but that was just the tip of the iceberg . There was the entire body of freezing cold ice-berg that bore testimony of his talents (how so , I have no idea ). Some even say , that the icebergs were not really a metaphor for his talent , it was rather the sea that the ice-bergs were found floating in . He could inhale through his highly developed nostrils , and then , quite effortlessly , change into an avatar whose only solicitation in life seemed to lay in exhaling out all he had inhaled , probably to maintain natural balance , and then , of course, he could breathe in through one nose and breathe out , quite as easily through the other , and then , to top it all , he could breathe out through both noses , all at the same time . But all of those talents had come to naught, all his endeavors , his years of effort now counted for a big zero , because of some Sambhar addict , who had given up his right to sambhar and dosa, and had pledged not to touch either , until the government agreed to bring back to the India, some thousand million Black Money stashed away in safety vaults of foreign banks . If thousand million ‘Bhookha Nanga ‘ Indians , starving ever since their mother had lapsed into the foolish mistake of giving them birth , could not convince them too bring all that ‘dirty Nigger money ‘ back, there’s little chance that adding one more to the queue will change the governments mind . But then , what’s reason in the face of such buccaneering racism .

So Baba resolved that only a personally performed stunt of ‘Bhookh hartal’ , in a show of extreme austerity , along with a heavy harvest of press- photographs , could possibly reinstate him as a contender to the title of Modern Gandhi . And armed with this resolution , and some thousand supporters , who were probably supposed to prevent him from giving in to his carnal desires, in those moments of weakness that every mortal so often experiences , he marched into Delhi . However , it is for a reason that India is one of the fastest developing countries in the world ,and Ramdev much to his despair and despondency ,was to find that out .The government of India had gone so far towards the establishment of a welfare state that one could not possibly starve himself to death , unless they had the state’s permission . Certainly , the people of India , staunch spiritualists that they all are , often felt within themselves , an upsurge of such noble desires , and promptly got their intentions ratified by the Government , so that they could peacefully starve to death . Baba , not having obtained official permission , was decreed by the government as having broken the natural order of things , and was forthright labelled as a threat to the nation . However , Baba did escape the police crackdown that ensued , dressed in a salwar , but could not escape Darwins famous , ‘A mans hunger is rarely bound in poverty or want , and hardly ever shackled by abstinence , unless one develops a mind for being unhappy . Infact , as times demand , and as Darwin would vouch , a man’s hunger , might in times of need , come to define him . The more a person learns to live of the starvation of others , the more fit for existence he is .’ Also , if a tortoise participates in a competition , irrespective of who else is participating, the tortoise always wins (though , how this is relevant to the story, I fail to see )

He did later perform a toned down version of the previously planned hunger strike , ‘skipping meals to stay healthy ‘….but that’s another story.

And its here again......

This post should have come about a month ago , but owing partly to time constraints , and partly on account of my inherent apathy to work (something so typical of Bengalis ) , I have never really had the time . From Wikileaks to 2G scams ,2010 has been one of the most eventful years in recent history . But who is to say that 2011 will not go a step further , and turn out to be even more eventful . Here are the top four things to look forward to this year .

Back to the Eden – There rarely has been a more eventful place on the face of this planet than the Garden of Eden . From playing venue to Laxmans masterly 281 , to being Dada’s home ground , the Mecca of cricket has seen it all . But probably none is as significant of the first documented human consumption of the red fruit of lust ,The Apple , and the subsequent progenesis of an entire race . And come this IPL , with Dada no more a part of the Knight Riders , the empty Eden Stands might provide them one more chance to resume their erstwhile amorous acts of sexual innuendo , with my parochial brethren playing audience to the probable genesis of a whole new race of species , inspiring Chandrabindu to come up with a sequel to their famous song on modern day voyeurism , Brahma Janen .

Ei IPL a , sei prothom dine
Adam ar Eve ,Eden Gardeney ,
Daam berechhe ,inflationey
Tobu apple , Eve nilo kine
Adam darie , boundaryr dhare
Apple dekhe , angle mare
Adam apple , nilo kere
Gobgobie , khelo chhire ,
Erpor , Brahma janen………



Did Darwin just say ‘ long live Evolution , come the Evolution’!!!


And My Pants Come Off – Lol , ROFL , LMAO . And they are off . I had always know deep inside that this was going to happen , if I continued too long with my pop-culture ways of providing vent to my joyous outbursts , and had been fearing LMAO , ever since the time I had acquired the habit of Rolling On The Floor ( ROFL) instead of the usual and effervescently spontaneous ‘hahaha’ . And finally , I have laughed my Arse off , to become the one single bottomless oddity of this generation , the lone Tooshiless wonder of this world , doomed to the prospect of never wearing a pant again , for the very hinges they were designed to cling on to , have just come off . However , I may not be the last , for I foresee many more falling prey to same baneful antics that have robbed people of the chance of slandering me , using obscenities like A**hole . Oh , how I long to be called an A**hole once more. And while the sight of hoards of tooshyles beings marching about , trouserless , might bring some joy to the nudists , I can already envision Raj Thakaray delivering speeches like 'Jai Tooshy ,Jai Maratha ' , and 'what head is to the north , tooshy is to the south', to resounding applause of the tooshy fanatics.





Too many Legs - As if , robbing me of my bottoms wasn’t enough , to relegate the trousers to the realms of the redundant , now, the stars have started to play truant , to provide me with four legs instead of the usual two that I had always been content with . For I am no more the masculine muscular yet effeminate man emptying pots but rather some four legged hideous monster with the façade of a man , called Sagittarius . And whats worse , I am without a bottom and sporting a tail . And no self respecting four-legged human , with a tail would ever dare to sport a pair of trousers in public . The prospect of my beloved trousers , spending the rest of its days , sequestered in my closet looms large today , with me having to go trouser-less for the rest of my life .

More G – I can already sense friends at NIT going ecstatic . But who ever knew that G was not merely legal in India , that it was up for public tenders , and was sought after by some of the biggest multinational and national majors , that it was not worth a mere 30 rupees at Rajen , but rather billions.
Infact , it is the chief protagonist in one of the biggest scams of India , and the development of a better and improved version has been commissioned by the Government ,the 3G ,much to the joy of the Ganjawalas at my college. Something to rejoice , at last.

Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year …..

A Child's Fairytale.

In the dark dungeon , imprisoned , the princess waits
The prince rode up the tortuous fleet in hurried steps
Many a frightening dragon had he slayed
The monotonous drone read on ,as the child wept .

'Mother sing me the lullaby of the galloping men
And the thousand Spanish fleet who fought in vain
Of the old lady who died alone on the moon
Of how the generous king succumbed to his deleterious bane.

Forgotten be the cold white December and the scarlet may
Sing me a lore of the hundred dead men with no one to weep
Of the crimson silhouette of the bloodiest day
And the boring libretto playing again and again.





The zephyr rings the happy swansong of the nightingales no more
As weed grows around, and the arboretum is dead
As discombobulated , the dead men lay
With only the hovering hungry ravens to prey.

Dark are the days of the thousand splendid suns,
Of the Ugly Duckling and the Hunchback of Notre Dame,
So sing me the song of the renegade damsel,
And prurient lust craving men , sybaritic and lame.


Sing no more of how the Messiah gave
Tell me the story of when Judas betrayed
Tell me a story of what is true
Of what transpires in men’s world ,of me and you.'

India - of cliches and more

I have been falling short on subjects to blog on recently, but as an avid blogger ,blog I must,blog I will,and in my search for inspiration ,I made a journey closer home. I decided to write on India. But writing an article on a land as diverse as India presents in itself it own fair share of problems ,the first of the many being it’s a democracy .Yes ,it does give us the right to express our own opinion but so does it give others ,some ,who are not as peaceful when it comes to voicing theirs objections .And so , I,having neither the desire ,nor the inclination to see my puppets being used as a source of alternative fuel by the insolently baneful extremists of our country ,decided to resort to every sort of cliché there exists in the book (not Mahabharat ,that’s not a documentation of history of India ,though it does have its fair share of cliches).

1. Must have land.

2. Must fight over that land.

3.Nothing can be built over that land ,unless something already has been ,in which case ,it has to be razed to the ground , dictated by directions from ancient Mythological texts.

4.You can leave a piece of arid land unused for ages , but cannot possibly have factories sprouting up on it.

5.We have to quote Tagore regarding the exploitation of the rightful owners of the land (dui bigh jami).

6. finally ,the great Indian rivalry , my land is bigger than your land.(land is an English word and not Hindi ,its Hindi translation would amount to ‘zameen’.) .

7.On days of strike (which is everyday),when theres nothing much to be done in the way of work ,play cricket on that land.




By now ,if you are sick of my mindless rambling on land ,and don’t want anything to do with it,be considerate to give it to one Mr Ratan Tata ,he is in dire need of non-cultivable land .However ,if your land is nowhere close to being as arid as the cold desert , and in its long history ,has nurtured even a single flailing cactus sapling ,it would be worldly unwise to use such land for industrial purposes .Of course , you can first give the land away , and then go on hunger strike to have it back , for you have been robbed of your food by the bloody capitalist society (cause of course , thorny shrubs and cactus is what you live on).

**************************************

When I had first expressed my desire to write a post on India, a friend adviced me to sprinkle my writing with a fair dose of Mahabharata , Ramayana , G.D.P , Mahatma Gandhi, G.D.P ,Pakistani terrosts ,British Imperialism and brutality (and how Mohun Bagan defeated them in a football match once) , G.D.P , Tagore ,Pakistani terrorists,Chinese infiltrators,Bangladeshi immigrants, G.D.P , Tansen ,Bollywood and the Gandhi family (don’t even dare to leave the last one out ,that would be sacrilege).Also mine characters might include naked sadhus , normal sadhus , modern sadhus , saffron sadhus , mainly sadhus. Ofcourse , one is free to make that passing mention of the stupid Sardar ,the nerdy suthie,the pretentiously intellectual Bengali (and he must love the rasugulla),the rowdy Delhiite , the uncouth Bihari,the artsy and Racist Marathi ,the gluttonously greedy Marwari , the avariciously parsimonious Gujrati. I was warned not to get bogged down with precise descriptions. India is big: 28 states, 150 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read my post.




He went on to add

‘Also remember , when you are writing about India ,you are not so much writing as promoting a brand .You are the custodian of that brand ,brand India , and its beneficiary. You should be aware what that brand stands for . India is a mythological land , infact people in the west ,atleast a fair population of them (well ,they are always fair ) ,hardly believe in its existence ,Pakistan is where the world ends ,and then comes Japan .You have to cater to that belief ,make it look as implausible as the Middle Earth of Tolkien . They don’t want to know about Ratan Tata ,they don’t want to read about the Ambanis .Brand India is almost like a neorealism movie ,just that its more mythological ,so what you need to depict are characters like Gollum from LOTR ,searching for bicycles a la Bicycle Thieves . They don’t want to hear about an affluent and growing middle class ,nor could they care less about IITs , so remember ,Indian population is a vastly destitute , impoverished ,poverty-stricken illiterate society .

Also do remember ,as Gautam Buddha was born in Nepal , and went on to enjoy a rockstar like status in his day and age ,Nepal is a part of India .Also , the Harappa-Mohenjodaro ,inspite of being well outside the realms of Indian jurisdiction and administration ,is more a part of India than it is of Pakistan , for Pakistanis are almost like Indians ,unless they are religious extremists and terrorists ,or like Afgans (which is almost all of them ) and so ,we have equel rights to their land (fair though ,if they can claim Kashmir to be theirs ) . However , Srilanka is not a part of India , as Ravana was born there , and pugnacious multi-headed kidnappers are not born in India . Also , remember ,India does not have a huge population , Indians are neither irresponsible , ignorant or horny .What it has is a huge ,undiminishing ,infact steeply growing manpower . Anyway, the point is that people from all over the world have come to know and love brand India for its ability to starve the shit out of its population. Whatever you write, please respect this legacy. Bear in mind that India is a market-leader. Most populated place on the face of this planet.



Also remember ,first thing we do in the morning when we wake up is not rush for the bathroom door , we do Yoga.When faced with the prospect of certain death by being mowed down by a rushing train heading headlong in our direction ,we don't run to save our damned lives , we do yoga . Actually ,apart from staying poor and going hungry ,the only other thing Indians are good at is Yoga.’

So armed with his advice , and my key board , I embarked upon writing my first detailed account of India.



So stay tuned in for my next post, The Great Indian History. Until then,goodbye.

paranoid minds.avi

a short movie by the students of NIT Durgapur on the paranoia of death....the movie essentially has three interpretations,which i leave for the audience to figure out.the first nightmare sequence itself is full of symbolism,with the car representing death,the ghosts representing paranoia and the door representing a route for escape from death.thats why,the door reopens after he exchages his right to live.